


Ballum Song Preferences...

by benshearingaid



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-22 12:50:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21302375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benshearingaid/pseuds/benshearingaid
Summary: Each chapter to this will be a collection of one shots to song lyrics... if that makes sense.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. Delicate by Taylor Swift

_ My reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me…_

Ben Mitchell walked in the Queen Vic and suddenly, all eyes were on him. Some people whispered, Kat Slater made a snarky comment, Linda Carter walked away from the bar so Mick would have to serve him instead of her. Ben, for the first time since his return, felt embarrassed to be seen. He'd been involved in dodgy business for a while now, but the night before, the son of the older woman he had been trying to get his loan back from had found him in the pub and shouted abuse, asking how such a low life like Ben could try and allow an old lady to go without food for a week because she had no money left. The entire square were watching. It was... awful. Ben bit his cheek, contemplating leaving, when he saw him. That warm smile welcoming him from across the room. Callum. He beckoned him over, pointing to the pint he had waiting for him on the table.

_ Phone lights up my nightstand in the black, come here, you can meet me in the back…_  
Callum stares at the ceiling of his room, unable to sleep. It’s way after midnight and Whitney is fast asleep but Callum's mind is awake. The room is suddenly illuminated, making him jump slightly. He turns to see his phone glowing in the dark.  
-Meet me.-  
The text says. Another one comes through as his thumb dances on how to reply.  
-Please, Callum.-  
It's Ben. Ever since that fateful night in the park, this relationship has been a quiet, secret. Something Callum tells himself will be the final time until it inevitably happens again, and again.  
-Whitney is asleep.-  
Callum is being strong. Not tonight.  
-Oh, come on, five minutes.-

Callum hesitates and another message comes through.

-I'm outside.-

_ Is it cool that I said all that? Is it too soon to do this yet?_

“Say that again.” Callum whispers, a soft smoke dancing around his mouth as his warm breath meets the cold air. Even though it’s dark, he knows they're both blushing. “I…” Ben rubs his hands together. Despite the fact he’s wearing gloves, his fingertips are like ice. “I’m embarrassed.” Ben grumbles, stamping a foot on the sparkling, white pavement. Callum smiles and looks at him. “I didn’t hear you, Lex and Lola are just... so loud.” He lies. The first snow fall of Winter had begun and Lola and Lexi had ran into the Beale's front garden to see it, squealing with delight. “I said that I love you. And I know you heard me and now I’m embarrassed because this is still new.... You don’t need to say it back but you’re just not like anyone else I’ve met before and I-" Callum chuckles, stopping Ben's ramble. “I love you, too.” He replies, pulling his boyfriend into a kiss.

_ Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share…_

Callum's breath was soft as he slept, calm and peaceful. Ben watched him, taking in all of the man's features, noticing his slight hint of freckles, the dimples, the scars, the length of his eyelashes. He had always noticed his beauty but known never the amount of it. Until now. Callum's phone buzzed and his eyes flicked open. Ben pretended to stir too, not wanting him to know he'd been watching him sleep. He wasn't a weirdo. Sort of. "Who is it?" Ben asked, faking a yawn. Callum was silent. "Callum?" Ben was concerned. "Whitney." Their moment was gone. The reality was there again. Callum turned the phone to Ben, the look of guilt etched upon his face.  
-Happy wedding day, can't wait to marry you xxxxxxxx-  
Ben nodded slowly, both men sharing a look that was unreadable. "I have to go." Callum decided, grabbing the clothes from the night before from the bedroom floor. Ben watched him leave, wishing he could say the words he so desperately wanted to scream.

_ Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time…_

“Are you sure you don’t want something to drink?" Jay asks Ben, trying to get his attention. Ben shifts in his seat, awkwardly. He hadn't wanted to come here. Especially since Callum was covering a shift for Linda. "No, mate. I'm fine." Ben assured Jay. Jay shrugged and headed to the bar. "What can I get you?" Callum asked him with a smile. Ben watched him across the room, laughing with the punters, accepting tips and pouring drinks. He wondered if he was straight or gay or even bisexual and then cursed himself for thinking that way. He didn't fancy Callum Highway. No, absolutely not. He didn't even know him. Couldn't think of anything worse than being with him. He absolutely didn't think of kissing his lips and feeling his hands on him. Goodness, no. He didn't think of what it would be like to make him laugh or hold him when he cried. That is definitely not something he thought about. Was it...?


	2. Be Mine! - Robyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANGST.

_It’s a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain._

Ben was never the emotional one, never the one to show his caring side, not to anyone outside of his family anyway. But that night, when he stood outside Callum's house, about to go and apologise to him, tell him he had feelings for him, tell him he needed him, he was stopped when he saw him through the window. Ben froze to the ground, not moving another muscle. Outside it was pouring, the rain soaking him and everything around him. And inside the house, there Callum and Whitney were, stood in the window without a knowledge of who was outside, who was watching. Ben’s heart sank to the floor. How could he have been so stupid to think that what happened in the park meant a thing to Callum, and why did it even mean so much to him?

_And now you’re gone it’s like an echo in my head and I remember every word you said._

The music vibrates through Ben's body as he stares blankly at the bar counter in front of him, thoughts swimming around his mind like piranhas, ready to bite and snap at any moment. Another shot down his throat and he wipes his mouth. “Ben, mate…” Jay is worried about his friend. He seems distant and he has no idea why he did what he just did. “Leave it, Jay.” Ben says, ordering himself more shots of vodka and tequila at the bar. Jay sighs and sits beside him. “Why did you do that? Why did you kiss that guy?” He asks. Ben sighs and hangs his head, staring down into the clear liquid in the glass. "Because I wanted to.” His voice went shaky and he knocked back the shot. Jay shook his head. "I don't believe that for a second. You came here with Callum... what changed?" Jay took took one of the shot glasses away before Ben had chance to sink another one down his throat. Ben stayed silent. "Ben! Why did you do it?" Jay was getting annoyed. "Because I love him. And I can't make him happy." 

_It’s a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I’m falling apart inside._

Ben sipped his champagne and surveyed the room. Another nameless face, another stranger. Mostly Sharon's friends from god knows where. He really did want to be at home, in bed, watching his favourite TV show. He’d rather be anywhere, than here, at this stupid party. At least Callum was out of town, so he wouldn’t be here tonight. Ben sighs and places his empty glass on the counter, deciding to make a swift exit before anyone sees him and tries to make small talk about how wonderful it was that Sharon was pregnant at her age and how Phil was beyond thrilled. Blah, blah, blah. Outside, a taxi pulls up as Ben stumbles out of E20, not realising just how drunk he was. "Cheers, mate. Keep the change." Ben stands back in the shadows, seeing Whitney and Callum pull their suitcases from the back of the cab. "Home, sweet home, Mrs Highway." Callum smiled as Whitney giggled. Neither of them saw Ben. Neither of them saw the tears fall from Ben's eyes as Callum lifted his new bride over the threshold as they returned from their honeymoon, married and happy. 

_And the cold winds hitting my face and you’re gone and you’re walking away._

"Just go." Ben spat his words, angry and horrified at the evening's events. "Ben..." Callum stepped forwards towards the younger man, worry etched onto his face. "Callum." Ben warned, a finger pointed at him. Callum froze, not knowing what to do. The music in the Square was still loud, happy, excited, as the party continued into the late hours. "Ben, please, let me help you." Callum almost begged. Ben's face was unrecognisable. Covered in blood and dirt, he grabbed at the desk drawers of the Arches for a pack of tissues. With shaking hands, he raised the tissue to his face and dabbed at his wounds, wincing with pain. He was disgusted. "Fuck off, Callum. I mean it." He said, not even turning back but knowing he was still stood there. "I..." Callum began. "Your brother did this to me, on tonight of all nights. I came here to meet you. Because I got a text. And it was all just part of your sick game..." Ben let out an almighty laugh that made Callum jump slightly. He slammed the desk drawer shut and stormed off, not saying another word.

_You looked happy and that’s great! I just miss you… that’s all._

Callum hung up the phone after leaving his message, feeling like an idiot. They'd been broken up for a few weeks now and Ben had left the Square with Jay, Lola and Lexi for a family holiday. Callum logged onto his facebook page and saw Lola's post from the beach that day. Ben was eating an ice lolly, throwing Lexi into the air, building sandcastles with her, burying Jay in the sand when he fell asleep.... Callum couldn't help but feel left out and broken. He really missed him, he missed all of them. Sure he still saw Lexi and he saw Jay at work but it wasn't the same. It was the five them against the world like it used to be. It made him really sad. So after leaving him the voicemail message, he typed out a text message apologising for it and saying how he truly felt. How sorry he was for everything that happened and asked for another chance.


	3. Another Love - Tom Odell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please note, homophobic language is used in one of the mini shots but very mildly.

I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care.

Ben smiled to himself, placing his credit card back into his wallet and pressing the red end call button his iPhone. “What are you smiling about?” Kathy asked, walking into the Beale's living room, wearing her pyjamas and a dressing gown. Ben was still smiling. It creeped Kathy out. “I’ve just seen how low Callum has been feeling recently so I’ve booked us into a hotel for the night.” Ben replied, keeping his voice low in case Callum appeared out of nowhere like he often did. Kathy patted Ben’s shoulder as she passed him on her way to the kettle. “That’s a nice idea, sweetheart. You don’t think he’ll not want to go because of work and such?" She asked. "I've cleared it with Jay. He deserves the break. Plus, he's owed the two weeks he lost when he didn't go on his honeymoon." Ben shrugged. "Ben!" Kathy exclaimed from the kitchen, much to Ben's amusement.

_ But all my tears have been used up on another love._

Callum slid down the wall, his panic attack seemed to be wearing off but he couldn’t be sure. “Just breathe.” Stuart said, resting his hands on Callum’s shoulders and crouching in front of him. Callum was dizzy, his mind was elsewhere. “I can’t….” He was panicking again. "Bruv, it’s okay.” Stuart, eyes wide and panicked himself, tried to reassure him but it was no use. He hadn’t a clue what to do. Callum’s eyes screwed up and his face reddened as he attempted to get his breath. His mind transformed Stuart’s face into the face of someone else and all of a sudden, he found himself saying the words he never in his dreams thought he’d utter, not to his brother. “Ben… I need Ben.” He said between breaths. Stuart blinked and stood up straight. “I’ll… go… call him.” He replied. Ben wasn't Stuart's favourite person. But his brother needed him. Callum nodded and put his elbows on his knees, trying to control his breathing. Stuart found Callum’s phone in his coat pocket and scrolled down the call list as quickly as he could. “Ben, it’s Stuart. Callum is having a panic attack and he’s asking for you. We’re at the flat.” Stuart’s words came out quicker than he’d expected, not even greeting Ben or even checking that he’d actually picked up the call. “I’m on my way.” Ben replied.

_ And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight._

Ben’s fist clenched as he watched Jags slam his fist into Callum’s head one more time. “Stop it!” He shouted at the phone, not caring who heard him in the square. Kheerat laughed and sneered off camera. It made Ben sick to his stomach. From what he could see in the darkness of the room, Callum sat, bound and tied, tape across his mouth. His left eye was reddened and swollen and his hair was flat against his head with sweat. “What do you want? I’ll do anything, please!” Ben begged. “I want my money. You know that. You bring me what we agreed before your little antics and maybe lover boy will survive the night.” Kheerat said, his face getting closer to the camera. The sound distorted as he picked up the phone from the place it was perched on. “Night, night.” He said, waving and cutting off the call. “No!” Ben shouted. “What is it?” Martin appeared out of no where, wondering if the man had finally lost his mind. “It’s Kheerat. He’s got Callum. And he’s threatening to kill him if we don't get his money. We need to go. Now.” Ben was frantic. Martin shook his head, not taking in the information. “What?!” He asked. “I don’t have time for this, Martin! I need to go!” Before Martin had chance to reply, Ben was already running towards his car.

_ So I’ll use my voice, I’ll be so fucking rude._

Ben made himself appear taller and wider than he had ever done before. “What did you just say?” He asked, his eyebrows deepening towards his nose. Callum looked on, his eyes wide. “I said, maybe Whitney is better off without a no good, cheating queer like him in her life.” Jonno repeated, spitting his words with venom across at Callum who was stood behind Ben. Whitney was silent, her tears doing the talking for her. The gravel beneath Ben’s feet grumbled as he took strides towards Jonno, grabbing the man’s jacket in handfuls at his chest. He slammed him against the front door of Coker and Mitchell, practically shaking the entire building. “See, I thought I heard you correctly... Yeah, he cheated on her… but maybe if she gave him what he wanted, he wouldn’t have had to come looking for me... and noy, oh boy, did he have fun that night!” Ben seethed, almost nose to nose with the older man. Jonno saw red and pushed Ben backwards, sending him flying towards to the ground. Whitney lunged forwards, holding her would be Father in law back. “Don’t! It’s not worth it! He isn’t worth it!” A line of sweat ran across Jonno's brow as he straightened himself and looked down at Ben. “Don’t you EVER speak to us again, do you hear me? Either of you!” He said, pointing a wrinkled finger between both of the men.

_ And I’d sing a song, that’d be just ours._

Ben stepped down the staircase, slowly, wondering what was going on in his kitchen. Callum was humming away, tea towel over one shoulder, his back to Ben. He hadn’t heard him come downstairs. “And after aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall, you're my wonderwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall.” Callum crooned. Ben tried not to laugh. Bobby appeared at the top of the stairs. “Callum! Give it a rest will ya? And turn that radio down!” He said, rubbing his eyes and heading back to his room. Callum sighed, whispering to himself about talent being unappreciated and turned to turn off the music. He froze at the sight of Ben. “You… okay?” He asked, hoping he hadn’t heard his performance. “Yeah, great thanks, Liam Gallagher. How are you?” He asked, stepping forward with a smirk on his face. “I’m sorry… did I wake you? I was just… preparing you breakfast in bed.” Callum glanced at the toaster. Ben smiled, genuinely moved by the random act of kindness. "I didn't think you liked Oasis?" He mocked. Callum smiled. "No... but you do." He said, sincerely.


	4. You Are The Reason - Calum Scott

_ I'm losing my sleep, please come back now. _

Callum tossed and turned again, furious with himself and his incapability to sleep. The television was showing only 'Tele Shopping' and re runs with the person doing sign language at the bottom of the screen. That's when you know it's late. He picked up his phone, seeing that it was almost half past three. He groaned and threw the duvet off of him, heading out of his room into the living room area of the flat. He flicked the light switch on and jumped out of his skin. "Stuart!" He exclaimed. He looked up from his bowl of cereal at him. "What?" He asked, casually. "What are you doing up at this hour?" He asked. Stuart frowned. "I could ask you the same thing!" He retorted. "I can't stop thinking of Ben." Callum admitted, sitting down on the sofa, across from the armchair Stuart was sitting in. “Why are you sitting in the dark?" Callum quizzed. His brother shrugged. "I'd hoped it'd make me want to sleep... but here I am." He said, pointing down at the bowl. Callum sighed and put his head back on the back of the sofa. "You know how I feel about Ben, but... I also know how you feel about him. If you love him then you should tell him. I miss Rainie every day and if I could get her back, I would. Ben knows how you feel.” Stuart surprised Callum with his sincerity. Callum reached for his phone. “Maybe tomorrow, though?” Stuart said, softly, it was the early hours. Callum nodded. Little did he know that Ben was also wide awake thinking of him too. 

_ There goes my mind racing, and you are the reason. _

"Bro, he'll turn up." Jay said. "But what if he doesn't." Ben stared at his reflection in the puddle beneath his feet, feeling sick. He shifted his mobile from one ear to the other, leaning on his knees with his elbows. "Listen to me, you and Callum... I think we can both agree that you love each other." Ben sighed. His best friend was right. "I know... I just... hope he's not had second thoughts." Ben could almost hear Jay’s frustration through the silence on the other end of the phone. "Lola thinks he's silly if he doesn't turn up. You've been wanting to get together for ages so, I doubt he'll have changed his mind." Jay said. Ben looked up at the sky. "You told Lola?!" He was mortified. "She already knew! Callum mentioned it!" He said. Ben groaned. "What if he's decided to make a go of it with someone else...? What if he's... I dunno, realised I’m a bad person?" Ben was never like this usually. Callum Highway had changed him in so many ways. "He's an idiot sometimes, mate. But... he's not stupid. You told him to meet you at the park bench if he wanted to make a go of things.... why would he turn that down?" Ben smiled. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe I'm just tired of being let down." He grumbled. He heard someone clear their throat behind him. "Jay... I'm gonna call you back." He said. "Hi." Callum said, amused. "Hi..." Ben replied. 

_ If I could turn back the clock, I'd make sure the light defeated the dark. _

"Ben, stop, please." Callum grabbed Ben. "It was a nightmare. Come on, it's okay. I'm here. I’ve got you." He soothed. Ben was breathless, his mind swimming and convinced Stella was back. "Hey, hey, come on." Callum held him tighter. "She... she was here. In this room. Watching us. Watching us sleep. She was stood over me. I could feel her breath on me and she reached out to touch me... It was so real." Ben panted. Callum frowned. "Who?" He asked. "Stella, my Dad’s... ex." Ben felt sick. "She’s never going to hurt you again, Ben. She’s gone." Callum’s heart was breaking for the man he loved so much. "I wish I could go back in time and find you when you were a kid. Find you and... I dunno, befriend you. Bring you to normality. To happiness." He said, his voice cracking. Ben was silent, his heart thudding through his chest. "Maybe then, we could've had each other for support with our Dad’s. I'd give anything to go back and meet you, befriend you and save you." Callum was trying his hardest not to cry. Ben knew he meant every single word. He nodded, looking up at Callum. Callum nodded in return and held him closer, the sound of the clock ticking, the only sound in the room. "I love you, you know." Ben whispered. "I know." Callum replied. "I love you, too." 

_ I don't wanna fight no more. _

Callum saw his mobile light up across the room but couldn't be bothered to go and answer it. It was probably Stuart wondering when he'd be home tonight. Or Mick, asking him to cover a shift in the Vic. He couldn't speak to them, not now. Instead, he stared at himself in the mirror, telling himself to pick out a shirt for tonight. He held onto the towel that was tied around his midriff, brushing his wet hair out of his face. "You can do this. It's just one night out. You don't have to pull anyone. You just have to look like you're having fun." He whispered. Then he felt foolish. The madness had finally taken him. He was now talking to himself. He put on some music to take his mind off of the evening ahead and began to get ready. Half an hour later, he headed downstairs, picking up his wallet and keys from the side table by the front door. He'd forgotten his phone on charge by his bedside. He opened the front door to see Leo, Gray and a few of their friends waiting for him. "Surprise!" Leo said, excitedly. "We're coming out with ya." Gray grinned. Inside the house, Callum’s phone flashed again. (3) Missed Calls from BEN. If only Callum knew what he was getting himself in for that evening. 

_ I'd climb every mountain and swim every ocean, just to be with you and fix what I've broken. _

Callum shook his head, not letting Ben speak to him. "Please, Ben. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. We can discuss it tomorrow. When you’re sober. I'm going to bed. It's been a long day." He said, standing. Ben stood up too, following Callum as he made his way to the recycling bin to dispose of the bottles of beer he'd drank his way through. "If I could take it back, I would. In a heartbeat. Callum, please. I had a fucked up image in my head of where this was going with us... I know that's no excuse." Ben knew he was digging a hole but he couldn't help it. He needed Callum to see that tonight was a mistake. Callum closed his eyes in frustration, the lines of annoyance still etched into his forehead from an evening of watching Ben kissing a random guy in the club. "I just want to sleep." He almost whispered. The bags under his eyes were darkening. Ben opened his mouth to speak, stepping forwards toward Callum. "Ben." Callum warned, his hands up. Ben froze, watching as Callum began to walk to his bedroom, leaving Ben stood alone in the kitchen. "Do you want me to stay here?" Ben asked. Callum sighed, already half way through the door to his room. "Do what you want, Ben. You usually do anyway." He replied. Ben sighed, staring at the now closed door, hoping he hadn’t fucked everything up. 


End file.
